Ah, autumn! I revel in the cooler, crisp temperatures. I am awe-struck by the leaves changing colors. Football is back, accompanied by nacho and chicken wing comas. I dump buckets of pumpkin spice creamer in my coffee. I adorn Denver Broncos fuzzy socks to warm my tootsies. Kids are back in school, so for a peaceful few hours per day, I don’t see, hear, or smell the four little brats darling boys next door. Yes, autumn is a beautiful thing.
With one small exception. TVOD. Television Overdose. Maybe it’s just me, but I can’t seem to organize my time around my fall TV binging. I’m staying up later and getting up earlier. I’m drinking twice the caffeine just to stay awake for all the shows I have recorded. I’m avoiding my writing, my blog, the doorbell, laundry, and personal hygiene.
I might have a problem.
I’m not quite sure how I end up with TVOD every year, but I never fail to succumb to its intoxicating nuances. For example, if I’m lost in Jamie Fraser’s eyes on Outlander, I can’t expect myself to stare at a grocery list, now can I? And if I’m in the midst of the zombie apocalypse, how will The Walking Dead cast handle my turning away to answer the phone or vacuum the cereal I spilled during a Survivor episode the evening before? That would just be rude!
The Walking Dead, of course, rules over all other TV shows for all time, since the beginning of the world. There is nothing more important than those wacky walkers! Who is with me on this one? There’s just something about an ex cop, a sweaty guy wielding a crossbow, a badass older woman who bakes cookies and blows stuff up, a pregnant woman mourning her dead husband killed by a baseball bat covered in barbed wire, a kid with one eye, a baby, and a guy named Jesus. How could anyone ignore such an eclectic dynamic. It boggles my mind.
So, yes, I probably do have a problem. I blame it on three things:
- Retirement. I owe myself a certain amount of wasting time. I earned it.
- My advanced intelligence. My brain needs stimulation at all times. A girl can’t read 24 hours a day, am I right?
- ABC, NBC, CBS, Fox, Netflix, Amazon Prime, Hulu, Starz, PBS, MSNBC, CNN, CMT, Food Network, and so on and so forth. You get the picture. It’s all a bit too much to wrap my head around. Too many choices, so I watch it all. Okay, I don’t watch Fox, except for anything starring Chef Gordon Ramsey. He can out-cuss me by a mile, and I have to respect that! Props, Chef Ramsey! I will be watching!
Unfortunately, there are side-effects to binging on anything. If you binge on food, you might gain weight. If you binge on sex, you might gain STDs, a reputation, or maybe even a new little tax deduction. If you binge on TV, however, you will not gain anyone’s respect or admiration. You are in this alone. But you are allowed snacks! You cannot expect anyone to watch TV shows for hours and hours without proper snackage, now can you? That would be so wrong. So, you may well end up with two binge-possible issues. Good luck.
I watch so many different shows, my TIVO can’t keep up. It allows me to record four shows at once, but that is not acceptable. I need more. Seriously, when having to choose which shows to record, what would I leave off? I mean, if it’s a choice between Grey’s Anatomy, Designated Survivor, Little People Big World, or Family Feud, what am I supposed to do? If I don’t see every single one, I might end up depressed, or worse, suffering separation anxiety. It would be sad, to be quite honest. I don’t know how anyone solves such complex issues and still remains sane.
In summary, there is no moral to this story, but I do have some advice:
If I’m stuck in a TVOD nightmare, don’t even think about waking me. I might be in the middle of an episode of Shades of Blue, and you know how I feel about Jennifer Lopez.
Thank you for visiting my humble, virtual abode. I hope you return often. I will be waiting with open arms and a few witty anecdotes to warm the cockles of your heart. What?