Happy Halloween Eve!  The magical night of frightful fun and frolicking is nearly upon us and I must confess to being underwhelmed. I’m not even dressing up this year. I’m not EVEN turning my porch light on to summon trick-or-treaters. I’m such an old biddy just not that into it.

Get off my lawn, you little fairy princesses and shrimp-sized super heroes with your cutesy faces and your little plastic pumpkins! I swear I’ll turn the sprinklers on ya!

Where was I?  Oh yes, I suppose you are asking whatever could be my reason for excusing myself from these nationally accepted and revered holiday traditions?  Not in the mood. Hey, a girl can’t always be in the mood for sex, so why can’t that same disinterest work for Halloween?  

I have gathered a list of my top ten excuses for skipping Halloween and provided them below, for your reading enjoyment.

Read it and deal with it. Bah freakin humbug.

1. I have a headache.
2. I need to wash my hair.
3. I got my period. (and after 5 years without one, it is blowing my mind)
4. My treat will be wine. My trick will be doorbell avoidance.
5. Chocolate doesn’t last ten minutes in my house, so there’s nothing left for the snot-nosed little goblins.
6. I couldn’t afford candy. But if you ghosts and goblins, Wonder Women and Scooby Doos would like to leave some cash in the can near my front door, I can save up for next year. I promise.
7. I’m thawing out the turkey for Thanksgiving.
8. I’m entertaining a gentleman caller. Shhhh, Joan doesn’t know.
9. I need to dance like no one’s watching. I mean No One! Not even a pint-size version of Khaleesi or John Snow.
10. I have Kampanaphobia. Fear of Bells. Doorbells, in this case. It’s a thing. Ask not for whom the doorbell tolls, because I’m not going to answer it.

Seriously, wishing everyone a very Happy and Safe Halloween!